Glee strays perilously close to Afterschool Special territory with this episode about the perils of teen (and adult) drinking, but they manage to skate by without straying too far into the Very Special Episode wasteland. It helps that their demonstration of the perils of demon booze involved synchronized puking to Ke-dollar-sign-ha, and that even the adults got a glimpse of what can go wrong when you have access to both liquor and a phone. It also helps that they didn't pretend that most self-respecting teens would swear off all booze after a single bad experience. Plus, the ep managed to be pretty damn funny -- you had to love the categorization of Drunk Chicks.(For the record, Lindsey and I are pretty much Happy Drunks, and Janine? Well, we have some theories...)
That's not to say we didn't have quibbles -- like when has a teen ever imbibed Bloody Marys, or why would Broadway Baby Rachel think that a paean to the headband would be song-worthy? And good god, what was that dress Rachel was wearing? Also, even those of us who normally adore Kurt got a little annoyed with his attitude toward Burt questioning his sleepover protocol. But come on -- any episode that featured Figgins saying "Ke-dollar-sign-ha" and "Tik and also Tok" -- not to mention Beiste being utterly awesome in every way -- had to make us happy.
Note: For some reason, we're STILL having trouble with our audio files on browsers other than Internet Explorer. You get the regular media player in IE, but Firefox and Safari both ask you to download a file. We're working with our podcast host to figure out the problem. In the meantime, you can get the podcast via iTunes, or listen using IE. Sorry!
We descend into madness during this Gossip Girl podcast, as the full horror of the impending relationship between Dan and Blair sinks in. Janine vents her feelings by beating up on Raina, Lindsey kind of confesses a history with illicit substances (except she totally doesn't), and I mourn my relationship with what used to be one of my favorite movies of all time, before Dair ruined it. Plus, we discuss the contentious (and only marginally relevant) Helena Bonham Carter/Tilda Swinton fashion axis, about which Janine is wrong. (This is what happens when I get to write the podcast summaries. Sorry, Janine!)
Oh we of little faith...Every time Supernatural announces one of these heavy-meta episodes, we cringe a little. They just sound so self-indulgent, so fraught with peril. And then every time, they knock it out of the park. So it was with "The French Mistake," which sees Sam and Dean tossed into a strange world where they're actually TV stars named Jared and Jensen. It could have gone so, so wrong, but it was so, so very right.
The setup
That's not to say there was a lot of heavy plot development going on (but really, did there need to be when there was so much meta-y goodness?) Basically, Balthazar shows up, talks about "The Godfather," tells the boys that Raphael is after them (and the weapons of heaven), gives them the key to his weapons cache, and then tosses them into an alternate universe to keep them safe.
Specifically, a universe much like our own, where there's this awesome show called "Supernatural" that we watch every week, where Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki portray the Brothers Winchester, and some guy named Misha Collins tweets incessantly from the set. There are some differences, of course -- we doubt the real Jared has a mansion and an alpaca, or that the boys never talk to each other, or that Kripke is developing a show called "Octocobra" -- although we would totally watch that if he was.
Read on for a bounty of quotes and on-set hijinks after the jump!
The show within a show
So, the boy have to impersonate the actors they are in this reality, and they are completely out of their depth, shocked by the trickery of TV-making, and paralyzed by the business of acting. It's awesome. They're also amazed by the decadent lives that Jensen and Jared lead.
Watching the guys pretend to act was priceless. Dean gets all squinty and gruff, and keeps sidling over to his mark. Sam squirms and twitches and can't figure out what to do with his hands. When Dean tells him not to look directly at the camera, Sam cranes his neck back so he's staring at the ceiling as he delivers his lines. It's amazing.
Our favorite alt-reality version is Misha Collins, who the boys at first mistake for Castiel. Misha is laid-back, tweet-happy, and his speaking voice is half an octave higher than Castiel's growl. He's constantly taking pics from the set and tweeting to his adoring fans. When he gets kidnapped by Raphael's henchman, Virgil, he's a screaming, weepy mess (which, lets face it, how we'd react if someone had a knife at our throats.) The fact that Virgil slit his throat to make a blood phone was genuinely disturbing.
Then there were the reactions of the behind-the-scenes folks, who seem to think that the J's have quite simply lost their minds or gone on a Sheen-style drug bender. Director Bob Singer (played by Brian Doyle-Murray) is long-suffering and exhausted. First AD Kevin Parks (played by Jason Bryden) is convinced there are drugs involved. Sera Gamble (just a voice on the phone, and it might actually be her) is a bit bitter and insecure that no one is taking her seriously. And Kripke himself (played by Micah A. Hauptman) is writing the aforementioned "Octocobra" and celebrating the fact that Misha's murder got them on the front page of Variety. Plus! He gets shot! A lot! You have to admit, just about every fan has thought of seeing Kripke go down in a hail of bullets at one time or another...
The aftermath
The guys figure out that Raphael will be pulling Virgil back through the portal, so they jump him and get their key back. But when Raph brings them back, Balthazar is waiting. The boys were just a decoy, an that key opens a bus locker in Albany. Castiel has the weapons of heaven now. They boys aren't happy that he signed off on the plan to use them as decoys, but Cas is unrepentant.
At least the guys are home again, where they matter and they occasionally save the world. Granted, they're in peril, broke, and temporarily without booze, but at least they're talking. That counts for something, right?
The hilarity that ensued
Look, this ep wasn't about the plot half so much as it was about the commentary, snark and in-jokes. Some of our favorites:
Yes, those were actors playing the main crew members, but yes, they are using the crews' real names.
Kevin: We can clean up, reset the window, takes about 95 minutes, basically, so we're have to blow off the scene where they sit on the Impala and talk about their feelings. Bob: Hah! Right! You answer the hate mail!
A makeup artist whisks Jensen to the chair, telling him she's going to get his makeup off. Dean scoffs, then realizes yep, there's actual makeup. Dean: Oh, crap, I'm a painted whore.
Sam: Wherever here is, this twilight zone Balthazar zapped us into, for whatever reason, our life is a TV show. Dean: Why? Sam: I don't know. Dean: No, seriously, why? Why would anyone want to watch our lives? Sam: Well, according to the interviewer, not very many people do.
Dean gets visibly ill when he sees the various versions of the Metallicar. "I feel like this whole place is bad-touching me."
The boys run into who they think is Castiel, and Misha does the angel voice, etc. Then he lightens up as himself, asking the boys if there are new pages. Dean: His name’s Misha. Sam: Misha? Oh, wow, just great. Dean: Misha, Jensen...what's up with the names around here? Misha: You guys! You really punked me! I'm totally going to tweet this one! [Whips out his phone, typing] "Hola, Mishamigos! J2 got me good. ... really starting to feel like one of the guys. "
The guys run across a trailer with Jensen's name on it. Dean: That's fake me. This must be fake mine.
[They enter. It's seriously opulent and full of toys.] Dean: Dude I have a helicopter. Sam: Who puts a 300 gallon aquarium in his trailer? Dean: Apparently Jensen Ackles. Sam: Huh. All right, here we go, let's see who this guy is. Dean: Well, he's not a Hunter but he plays one on TV.
[Dean finds a copy of "Supernatural" magazine. We can neither confirm nor deny that we have that issue.] Dean: Oh, come on, look at these male modeling sons of bitches. Nice Blue Steel, Sam. Sam: It says you're from Texas, and uh... oh. It says you were on a soap opera.
[Cut to an actual scene of actual Jensen on actual "Days Of our Lives."] Dean: I don't like this universe, Sammy. We need to get out of this universe.
The driver takes them away from the set, and the guys see the "Welcome to Vancouver" sign. Dean: Dude, we're not even in America!
The driver takes the guys to Jared's ridiculously over-the-top mansion. Dean: Nice digs, Jay-Z. Sam: Wow, I must be the star of this thing! Dean: Yeah, right...
[The guys see a weird machine in the hall.] Sam: What am I , Dracula?
[Dean opens the machine. It's a tanning bed.] Dean: George Hamilton Dracula...
The guys hear a noise from the backyard. Dean checks it out. Dean: Dude, you have a camel in your back yard! Genevieve Cortese: It's an alpaca, dumbass. Dean: Ruby? Gen: Ruby. Right. Because that one never gets old. Dean: [To Sam] You married Fake Ruby?
Gen snarks that Jensen has never come to their house before. Dean: Well, now that I know there's an alpaca out back, I'm definitely coming back! Gen: Well, alpacas are the greenest animal...
We loved watching the boys realize that there are perks to being actors -- like, they can just buy the finger bone of a minor saint and have it shipped to the airport rather than having to drive to Mexico to steal it.
After the guys are pulled off Virgil, we see this conference call: Bob: It appears Jared and Jensen were seen beating an extra to death. Sera: Huh. Jim: This is Jim here, Sera, and it wasn't all the way to death, only part way, so there's a plus... Kevin: He could definitely still run. Bob: And we'll certainly follow up on that, but I think the real issue Sera, is the boys appear to be on some sort of extended psychedelic acid trip. Sera: OK. Maybe it would help if I... I'll fly up and talk to them. Jim: You know, I'm not sure Jared and Jensen know who she is, strictly speaking. She's, you know .. new. No offense. Sera: Right. Bob: I think what we might need at this stage is for Kripke to come up himself. He created this show. They'll listen to him. Sera: How's that make me look? I'm supposed to be running this thing. Besides, Eric is off in some cabin somewhere writing his next pilot. Bob: He sold "Octocobra"? Sera: Yes! Bob: Mother of god. They'll buy anything.
Bob surprises the guys on the set of Bobby's house: Bob: So is it money? Is this the kind of act that goes away if we can scare up some coverage on a raise? Dean: More money? You already pay these two jokers enough as it is. Bob: 'Cause I like to think that over the years, we've grown closer. That you don't think of me as Director Bob, or Exec Producer Bob Singer, but as Uncle Bob. Sam: You're kidding. So the character in the show, Bobby Singer... Dean: What kind of a douchebag names a character after himself? Sam: Oh, that's not right.... Bob: Guys, you can't come to work on poppers. And smuggle kidneys in from Mexico. And make up your own lines as you go. You cannot make up your own lines! Good god, what about your careers? Sam: Screw our careers, Bob! Bob: What? Dean: You heard my brother. That's right. I said brother. 'Cause you know what, Bob? We're not actors. We're Hunters. We're the Winchesters. Always have been, always will be. And where we're from, people don't know who we are. But you know what? We matter to that world. In fact, we've even saved the son of a bitch once or twice. And yeah, ok, here, maybe there's some fans who give a crap about this nonsense... Bob: I wouldn't call it nonsense... Dean: But, Bob Singer, if that even is your name, tell me this -- what does it all mean? Bob: OK, this is good! I mean, we've all had our psychotic breaks, right? I can work with this!
When Virgil comes to the set shooting, there was one person who just calmly dodged the bullets. Who was that? Hee!
Final thoughts
We loved this episode almost unreservedly. Our one quibble? Why oh why did everyone have to get all dismissive when Raphael was in a female meat suit? The person Raph is riding doesn't diminish the power he/she/it wields. Who cares if it's a male or female when Raph can still smite the hell out of anyone in the way? Was Balthazar's sneering "honey" really necessary? Sigh...
Otherwise, we loved Balthy. We loved how he called Castiel Cassie and Raphael Raffi. We loved that he refers to the guys as "these two marmosets." We love the "Godfather" references. We loved him scoffing about his missing lung and calling his wound "garish." More, please!
What was your take on the ep? So any of you know how many of the folks we saw on set were actual behind-the-scenes workers? Do you approve of the meta eps, or do you want the show to just get on with that whole advancing the story thing? Talk about it in the comments!
"When I'm not in green leather, I like to strut my stuff in sequins."
Lucky lemurs, a "Birdcage" moment with Oliver in drag, and a surprise betrothal in this here episode of Smallville make it one of the most entertaining and heartfelt of the season...that's minus the wedding proposals and identity reveals, of course...
But that said, I'm still scratching my head waiting for the other shoe to drop on perhaps the biggest question of all...
Read on...
I know, I know....I should just enjoy the ride of the last season, but I'm so anxious for a resolution better than that one of ABC's "Lost" I'm chomping at the bit.
Sigh...I can't make the end come any sooner, so I may as well analyze the present scenarios. Like Clark getting his swerve on for a group bachelor/bachelorette party thanks to some bubbly from the bewitching Zatanna. What started as a typical party atmosphere ends with Clark and Chloe sporting wedding rings (with the former sporting a very Madonna "Like a Virgin" wedding dress) and a vest-wearing lemur hanging out at the Kent farm. Come to find out there's also an armored car full of money in the barn and Dr. Emil Hamilton has a penchant for singing Elvis tunes with Tess as a backup go-go singer. One question: Can I have some of that champagne sent to my workplace?
Long story short, the major evil is on hold this week, in lieu of a run-of-the-mill robbery by a casino owner. The group happens to stumble across the hijacking of an armored car while out on the town. The incident escalates when thugs take Dr. Emil hostage in order to reveal who has their truck full of cash. Luckily, Clark saves the doc before the criminals pop his head like a grape in a vise. But in the meantime, the gang tries to piece together what transpired through the night.
Lois wakes up next to Oliver on the train tracks on the wrong side of town, minus her engagement ring. She realizes that she bet her ring with the same casino owner who coordinated the armored truck heist. So of course, Lois is determined to get it back before Clark can discover her mistake. The thugs do not make it easy, but in the end, Oliver and Lois escape from their thieving captors by donning showgirl headdresses and boas on stage. With the kung-fu fighting skills and a woman's heel in hand, Oliver helps fight their way out, Lois gets her ring, Chloe gets to see how great Ollie looks in drag, and in the end, we all get to see the video evidence of how the evening transpired. Come to find out, Dr. Emil has groupies and Tess and the doc have a little liaison of their own. (Hmmm, is there anyone Tess hasn't slept with?)
All's well that ends well, when the thieves are put out of commission and Chloe and Clark realize that the wedding bands they sported, and the subsequent marriage license (one half missing) is not their union. It is in fact, Oliver and Chloe's, and the two walk off into the proverbial sunset together after Chloe reveals she's going to go back to what she does best -- helping other meteor freaks deal and develop their powers for good. And she's going to do it as a regular reporter at a Kansas newspaper. By day, a mild mannered beat writer, by night, a do-gooder nurturer. Too bad every reporter doesn't have similar aspirations, can you imagine the stories we'd get?
Clark is resolved that Chloe needs to find her own path away from Watchtower and needs to go away again. But this time it's with Oliver at her side, so at least our favorite Girl Friday gets an ever-after we can live with. Seriously, I must have rewound that heartfelt scene with Oliver revealing the other half of the marriage license to Chloe at least 12 times. (CUTEST COUPLE E-V-E-R!) Now if only the big guy can get even half of that before this whole roller coaster ride ends...I'd be a happy camper. Until next time...
"Every show on The CW has someone who can sing. Didn't you know that?"
We don't even know where to start on this week's The Vampire Diaries. How can they bundle so much credibility-defying awesomeness into one ep? That's got to be a super power of some sort.
Katherine's so very happy to be out of the tomb, and we can't say we blame her. She's also eager to convince everyone that she's on their side which is hilarious and, if true, only with a twist. P.S. We don't think it's true.
We think that the Mystic Falls gang did not anticipate how angry Luka's father would be after they staked Elijah. He kinda went a lil' loco and didn't use very prudent judgment. Instead of doing the smart thing by joining forces with our local version of the Mystery Machine kids, he decided to thwart them and try to resurrect Elijah. Terrible idea.
Sending Luka's invisible yet interactive form into the Salvatore's house, really? Whatever could go wrong? Of course Katherine sees the dagger trying to be pulled out of Elijah's chest. Of course she tries to stop it. The sounds of doom for Luka are getting closer, can you hear them? So Luka's dad, using his irrational and terrible wisdom of the moment, tells Luka that it's Katherine not Elena he's dealing with, and to find a stake and stake her. So he does, but misses her heart. Now, any rational parent would call it a day and pull his kid out of the peril he was in. Try again another time, perhaps. Not Daddy Dearest.
Once Katherine calls for help, Damon shows up with a flamethrower (what?) and starts torching the room. Which...causes real Luka to catch fire. And then, you know, die. Guess who his dad blames? Himself! No, just kidding.
Meanwhile, all the other human and witch types are at the Grill, enjoying the live band. The grill is packed! A perfect recipe for chaos caused by an irrational, grief-stricken, and powerful warlock. He's not there yet, though. For the time being, we get to hear Caroline singing The Bangles' "Eternal Flame," and get a big satisfying kiss from Matt when she's done. Awwww. They then go to the ladies' room to make out. An awesome idea in a packed bar, BTW. Caroline and Matt are happy and together again! Wonder how long that lasts? Literally moments. An epic love this is not, we're afraid.
Jenna is hanging with Elena and her crew for a girls' night out because she's still hurt and pissed that Alaric won't come clean about Isobel's demise. Which we're not so sure why she has such insensitive curiosity, but whatevs. Didn't uncle John promise to make that all go away if he got his ring back? Later that evening, Alaric tells Jenna that he can't tell her the truth because it's not his to tell, but that he loves her (!). To which she replies with a slightly conflicted stare and a, "Good night Ric." Boo.
So back to the insane Magic Man. He's on the hunt for Elena, so he shows up at the Grill. Dad gets more and more antagonized talking to Bonnie (but gave her her powers back for some reason), and starts doing things like making all of the lightbulbs burst and setting the bar on fire. Everybody leaves in a quick flash.
They manage to get Elena out, but not before he attacks Matt fatally, shoving a broken bottle into the side of his neck. Hmm, what a quandary Caroline was in. Oh well, the few moments of Matt bliss were sweet while they lasted. So she chose to heal him by making him drink her blood rather than watching him die. Really quite a rational thing to have done, but she's mistaken if she thinks he's going to wake up and be fine with it all. Something tells us she's going to have to do the whammy on his memory at the beginning of the next episode.
We wish that Dad hadn't gotten so irrational. True, we never really liked him, but we thought he could be redeemed. It was inevitable that he would show up to Elena's house. Perhaps also inevitable that Katherine would pose as Elena and kill him. Such a waste.
What was unexpected about the conclusion of the ep? Isobel at the Elena's front door! Introducing herself to Jenna! Who, it seems, put two and two together! Alaric's gonna have a lot of 'splaining to do.
Look, it's Alex in the dream state, see all the negative space? Okay fine, The CW didn't update their press page.
In this week’s Nikita, Amanda tries to steal secrets from deep within Alex’s subconscious while she is in a waking dream state. Hey wait a minute…that sounds like the plot of a great movie…maybe even an Oscar winner. Oh well, let’s stay focused, because Alex is one crazy dreamer, especially when she’s being guided by Amanda. Here’s who she runs into and runs from.
Dreaming on the run
Even though Amanda put Alex under sedation to help ease her drug withdrawal, she was still able to interact with her. Basically, Alex appeared conscious but was really dreaming. Amanda then tried to calmly coax her into spilling the goods during her hallucinations. Unfortunately for Amanda, Alex took off on her own journey running from place to place and bumping into all kinds of characters: Her younger self (who constantly warns, “She’s coming.”), Nikita and Michael (who end up having a massive make-out session), Jaden (who she kills), her father (who insists she will reclaim his empire), and Percy and Amanda (who praise her for her killer instinct). The only dream visitor who puts a smile on her face, though, is Nathan who she imagines that she is gleefully married to with a baby girl.
Who is Whitfield?
While in her trance, Alex utters the name Whitfield. This immediately sparks Michael’s curiosity, and he quickly darts from the room. After a little digging, he realizes that Whitfield is some money laundering dude that Nikita took out on one of her past missions. This gets Michael thinking. Alex? Nikita? Is there a connection? He then re-listens to a past phone call between him and Alex. Although Alex acts like she is calling from her apartment, Michael suspects otherwise. To prove his theory, he has Berkoff run the call through a series of programs to determine the type of room she is calling from. He then compares that phone call’s location to some of Nikita’s calls and Bam! He hits a home run. Both ladies are calling from the same room…Whitfield’s old place which is now Nikita’s new place.
Identity theft
While Alex is in La La Land, Nikita decides it’s time to get her out for good. She contacts her fake identity guy named Gustov and tells him to get the documents ready. But this guy has a sudden case of itchy palms. Even though Nikita brings him mucho cash (which turns out to be Whitfield’s old but expertly crafted, counterfeit bills), Gustov wants mucho more. He secretly calls in some extra man power which takes Nikita by surprise. Don’t worry. Our girl is always prepared for the worst. She retrieves a hidden gun and in no time, her opponents are resting quietly, and Gustov reluctantly hands her Alex’s forged identity documents.
Waking up Alex and faking out Nikita
Eventually, Alex hits a breaking point in her dream and totally freaks out. But Amanda is not ready to give up. She follows Alex as she wanders the halls dreaming about some weird symbol while being lured by an omniscient younger self saying, “She's coming.” Finally, Michael comes to the rescue and puts a stop to Amanda’s rehab/interrogation. Even though Amanda doesn’t get Alex to spill her guts, she does learn a few new things: Alex wants out of Division, Alex longs for a normal life, Alex fears who she will become (that’s why she kept saying, “she’s coming”), and most importantly, Alex is like Nikita. Amanda then proudly makes a recommendation to Percy about what to do….Cancellation!!!!
Nikita’s fate also looks a bit grim. After the double-cross with the forger, she heads back to her hideout to regroup. Just then, an awakened Alex calls her to let her know that she has also safely returned home. Nikita’s face, though, doesn’t appear relieved. Instead, she looks shocked. As we quickly learn, she is not alone. There is a shadowy figure holding a doozy of a rifle. Who is this secret visitor, you say? It’s none other than…Michael!!!
America's Next Top Model: The model in the plastic bubble
"It's hamster-chic."
Welcome to Cycle 16 of America's Next Top Model, where Tyra’s throwing casting week out the window. Because in the “real modeling world” it’s all about facing rejection. Tyra herself was rejected by six agencies before she got signed. So what better way to toughen up the girls than to make them think they’re going home? It’s cruel but we love it. The first 14 girls are going to get turned away and then told that—psyche! You’re in!
Kicking things off with a “say what?” moment
The finalists are flown to LA to take part what they think is a regular casting week. But this is anything but typical. They meet the Jays right away and walk the runway…literally…at the airport.
Then they’re whisked off to take photos and meet Tyra, but rather than go to panel and then get the news, they’re told that decisions have already been made. Those who do not have a photo in their envelope will go home immediately. Our real Cycle 16 contestants get an envelope with no photo. So they make their way, tearfully, to the luggage holding area where Tyra comes to tell them that rejection sucks but get used to it. It’s time to go home. Luckily, home is right behind them! A curtain falls and the former rejects see their new Top Model penthouse in downtown Los Angeles! We just wonder about what became of the poor souls who thought they were moving on but were, in fact, leaving.
Have a ball, y’all
It’s off to Malibu where the ladies will take part in their first runway show. They’re met by supermodel and designer, Erin Wasson. The news is broken that they will be walking on a 12-inc-wide runway, over water, in a plastic bubble. They are also going to do a photo shoot first, backstage, before they even go out to the audience. Just a little pressure. Russell James will be doing the photography and it’s kind of a fun, candid-type photo shoot.
The fashion show starts and the clothes and jewelry look great but the girls look like small, stomping rodents as they attempt to come off sexy, walking in their hamster balls. The only ones to actually fall down (or as Erin Wasson says later, “took a spell”) are Ondrei and Dominique, who try to make the best of it and Brittani is the only one to really work the walk properly. But how do the photos look?
A new term is coined
Russell James’ backstage photos are truly lovely. But some of the models come out looking better than others. Nicole, Sara and Angelia weren’t exactly captured in the best light. But to be fair, the photos were taken candidly and it’s really the moment that is captured in the photo—much more than the models. So many of the girls really just got lucky.
At panel Nigel christens a new term of the Cycle—a “cat’s bottom mouth” which is the dreaded pucker that so many rookie models insist on using. Best photo ends up going to Molly, which almost makes the judges forget that she came to panel showing her midriff. Angelina and Dominique are the last two standing. Angelina ends up getting sent home. We’re so pleased that Dominique didn’t get eliminated because we can’t wait to watch her do the facial contortion cry for the entire Cycle!
One Tree Hill's Bethany Joy Galeotti introduces baby girl
Her character on One Tree Hill may still be pregnant, but in real life, Bethany Joy Galeotti just had a baby girl.
"Michael and I are pleased to announce the arrival of our beautiful girl, Maria," Galeotti posted on her website, along with a picture of the proud parents and their new daughter.
Post your congratulations for Bethany Joy and Michael here!
Alas, there are apparently no photographers in Wilmington, NC.
Brooke and Julian get the call from a birth mom looking for adopters on One Tree Hill, so Brooke decides to lie like a rug in order to impress the girl. Um, Brooke? There's this thing called "Google," and kids today know how to use it. Your scheme was doomed from the start. Also, there's baseball and a baby shower, plus lots of prison talk. Yay!
Brooke and Julian and potential baby-mama
Brooke has been through the adoption rigamarole before, so she tells Julian to follow her lead when talking to the birth mom. She proceeds to tell whoppers about her family (the grandparents will be involved and supportive -- total lie), their employment situation (Julian's a big-time director and I'm a fashion designer -- true, but hardly the whole story), and just about anything else that comes up. Hell, she would have lied about her name if she thought it would help.
Chloe the birth mom is suitably impressed, so of course things have to go horribly wrong: Chloe shows up at the surprise shower Brooke is throwing for Haley, and, because no one but Haley knows who this pregnant chick is, everyone behaves like themselves. They talk about prison and jail and former drug habits and unemployment and beer chugging and everything but water-condom fights with Dave Navarro. Oops!
Chloe is appalled, but then Haley steps in with a toast to Brooke that mentions how she saved Jamie's life, and Brooke comes clean about her past. Brooke also tells Chloe how much she'll love and support and care for the kid, which eventually sways Chloe. Chloe knows that people make mistakes (she, after all, is pregnant at 19), and she wants parents who can deal with that with their child. Brooke and Julian are going to be parents!
Read on for Kellerman's surprises, Millie's inadequacies and Jamie's Triumph of the Adorable.
Nathan and Clay and Ian Kellerman
Shockingly enough, Ian is just as obnoxious as his dad ("I guess that the Kellerman apple doesn't fall far from the douchebag tree," Clay says), but Nate wants to give him another chance. Ian shows up at Jamie's Little League tryouts and is adorable with the kid (although really, who can resist Jamie's charm?) , which seems to validate Nate's instincts. Then there's bonding over bad dads and sports, and Ian asks them to represent him. We can, says Nate, but it will probably piss your dad off. This is obviously catnip to mini-Kellerman. Sold!
Clay and Quinn
At the shower, all the girls are asking Quinn when she's getting a ring -- something that makes Quinn very uncomfortable. She DID leave a pretty long-term marriage last year, which is bound to make one a little gun-shy. But perhaps supernatural encouragement will change her mind? She and Clay drive by the lovely grove they visited when they were both in comas, which makes them all happy and shiny. Whatever.
Mouth and Millie
Millie is shocked to learn that TV reporters are expected to write their own stories. We're shocked she got hired as soon as her bosses found this out about her. She freaks a bit, but fortunately, Mouth is being his wonderfully supportive self -- he writes the stories for her and helps her practice on camera. Mouth? That's sweet, and all, but if she can't do the job, she shouldn't have it.
Everything else
Haley's getting clingy and needy as her pregnancy wears on, which is driving Quinn crazy. Also, Quinn is a terrible liar. Chuck is a terrible ball player and a poor sport, but he still makes the Little League team, along with Jamie and Madison and kids we've never seen. Victoria is upset that Brooke's not returning her calls (We're confused as to why Victoria is still around.) Haley gets Quinn's blessing to name her daughter Lydia, like their mom. Jamie gives his sis-to-be the sweetest pre-birthday present ever. All together now: Awwwwwwwwwww!
Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends Brooke, rehearsing for the adoption interview: If I could wrap my childhood up in a bow and give it as a gift, I would! Julian: What, with the mother in prison and the absentee father?
Millie looks like she's regretting going into work, since it should be Mouth's job. Millie! Someone in your apartment needs to be more than marginally employed! Fortunately, Mouth agrees, telling her to "Do it for the green pistachio muffins!"
Haley is all pumped up about Jamie's Little League tryouts -- she's got a "Team Scott" baseball cap and "Jamie's Mom" baseball shirt. Jamie sensibly tells her to stay home -- that much enthusiasm is embarrassing!
Julian helps out with Little League tryouts, much to Brooke's surprise: Julian: Just because my area of expertise is more in the butterfly-catching aspect of the game does not mean I will not be an asset. I'll give them a pep-talk during intermission. Brooke: Intermission? Julian: Halftime?
At tryouts: Julian: All right! [Whistles] Let's get this audition started! Nate: Julian, there's no whistles in baseball. Clay: Or auditions.
Julian: Eating ice cream is the best thing about little league. Except for maybe catching butterflies.
Brooke was seriously pissed about what happened at the shower: "Millie basically told her that we're destitute while joking about her drug problem, and then my mother showed up yelling about prison!" Thing is, none of that is (1) untrue, or (2) their fault. You did it to yourself, Brooke Davis, and you're lucky Chloe is ridiculously understanding, (And that the state apparently has no say in the process.)
Apparently Professor Kellerman did teach his dog to ride the skateboard. Huh. We wouldn't have thought he had it in him.
You know a show might not have the best message about alcohol consumption when all it does is make you want to get drunk (and hang out with Beiste, because that woman is party and a half). But we can say we're extremely pleased the folks at Glee didn't feed us any teetotaling after-school-special crap about how alcohol is the devil. Heck, they didn't even advise against getting drunk. Think Ryan Murphy knew yesterday was National Margarita Day? We'd like to think so.
Let's drink to surprisingly realistic high school experiences
We hadn't noticed it until this episode, but it's been a year and a half and we've never seen the Gleeks attend a normal high school party. Granted, few of them would be invited to any, but as yesterday's episode demonstrated those songbirds can throw down pretty well on their own.
Stage and bedazzled microphones aside, the party was pretty typical (read: awesome). Even Finn's pigeon-holing of the different drunk girls seemed spot-on. Of course Brittany would be stripper-drunk, Quinn would be ragey-drunk and Rachel would be a sloppy hang-dog mess. It definitely didn't help that she was wearing that Carole King dress. We loved her duet with Blaine, who was the funniest drunk of all with his spazzy dancing, but we sincerely doubt even these supernaturally talented kids could harmonize that well to "Don't You Want Me Baby" while plastered and jumping around like a Run-D.M.C. concert. There's talent, and then there's the magic of sound editing.
However, the Broadway geek making out a gay guy totally happened at our high school, with similarly fizzled-out results.
Read on for a mechanical bull and Ke-dollar sign-Ha.
Let's drink to non-realistic high school experiences
Apparently the kids at McKinley High are getting drunk in the halls, which is something we never really experienced. We were brazen and stupid, but not that brazen and stupid. So Figgins has an idea: The glee club will perform a number to inspire the students not to drink. But we're just as stumped as Schue on what to pick, since most songs involving the sauce either glorify it or are colossally depressing.
Also, we don't want to sound like pervs, but since when have the glee kids been so hot? "Blame It On The Alcohol" looked like the coolest club in the world and we definitely want Tina's shiny black dress. Again, it used an improbably expensive set for kids who allegedly can't afford to go to New York, but we'd take a spin on that circle couch for a drink with Brittany anytime.
Let's drink to real problems
It wasn't all Bloody Marys and wine coolers this week. Schue is still dealing with the fact that he isn't over Emma, Kurt and Burt have to hash out some semblance of a sex talk, and the teachers have to figure out a way to talk to the kids about drinking and still be realistic about it.
To deal with his issues, Schue agrees to cut loose with Beiste, resulting in a honky-tonk bar, a fun but kind of underwhelming George Thorogood cover and an honest talk about drinking with Beiste. Drinking actually is fun, she says, and the kids are going to try it no matter what their teachers or parents say. The best they can do is tell the students to do it safely and responsibly. Schue then slurs something about how getting drunk is harmless when you're not driving, then proves himself wrong by trying to drunk-dial Emma and accidentally getting Sue. Too bad Beiste checked out -- friends shouldn't let friends drink and dial.
Meanwhile, the Hummels are having their own issues when Burt finds a hungover and fully-dressed Blaine in Kurt's bed. Both make excellent points: Burt says that Kurt's sexual orientation doesn't exclude him from the basic rules of sex under your parent's roof and Kurt says he can't have a proper sex talk with his dad if Burt doesn't even know what gay sex entails. Looks like it's time for an "Our Body, Ourselves" study session.
Let's drink to...wow, we must be pretty drunk by now
Like all story lines involving alcohol, the club's boozy indiscretions come back to bite them in the ass...sort of. After making out at Rachel's party, Rachel and Blaine decide to go on a date and test Blaine's sexuality whilst sober. Kurt's a bit soured on the idea, but Blaine asks his friend to be understanding -- he's just a teenager who doesn't really know who he is yet, or who he wants. Lucky for everyone except maybe Rachel, the dry lip-lock does nothing for Blaine and Rachel can add him to the sure-to-be-growing list as her first gay boyfriend.
The day of the alcohol awareness assembly arrives and the gleeks have settled on Ke$ha, naturally. Jitters settle in and Rachel has brought some calming mixed drinks/Anthrax. Brittany makes any even better Ke$ha than Ke$ha, and we mean that talent-wise, not over-the-top drunk-wise. Can we secretly replace them so we never have to see Ke$ha's clown painted, beer-sweats-smeared face again? The kids pay for Rachel's punishing brew by seemingly vomiting wet concrete onstage, but get away with it after the gastrointestinal pyrotechnics scare every kid in school away from the demon alcohol.
Schue also gets his comeuppance when Sue blasts his drunk dial all over the PA system. We're not sure what's funnier: The fact that Schue thought of Emma while riding a mechanical bull or Becky's overly enthusiastic glockenspiel tribute to "Grease."
What did you guys think? Did the writers have an appropriate approach to teenage and adult drinking? Did you think Blaine really would be attracted to Rachel? Are you even more jealous of Brittany's abs now? Comment away!
Notes n' Quotes
Sue: Unfortunately, the chipper homosexual who coaches Oral Intensity had a terrible fall down the stairs.
Rachel: I've never even had a drink!
Finn: Seriously? That's why I never got past second base...
Mercedes: Tell them I'll go if they go.
Artie: Tell them yourself, I ain't no pony express.
Finn: Kurt's been blackmailing me ever since he saw my browser history.
Zizes: Who told you that hairstyle was cool, Geronimo???
Santana: Hey honeys? I's not a Be Red commercial. No me gusta!
Santana: I've been dry-heaving all weekend and when my mother asked what that sound was, I said I was practicing bird calls.
Mike: I told my mom I had the flu and she made me a traditional tea made out of panda hair.
Artie: I brought some Bloody Marys, ya'll.
Mercedes: Are you kidding me? The last thing I want to do is drink.
Artie: It'll help your hangover. That's what Bloody Marys are for. Hair of the dog that done bit. Your. Ass.
(We're so sure he'd be dispensing the sauce in the hallway. Nice try, kids.)
Rachel: Mr. Shue? First of all that vest is very cute. You're all kinds of awesome.
Beiste: You ain't lived till you've seen me in a COWBOY HAAAAAAT.
Schue: Yay, happy face! Valiant effort! I don't even know who you ARE.
Schue: Sue, I do not have a drinking problem
Sue: Really? Then what's with the Corey Hart impression?
Burt: I sat through that whole "Brokeback Mountain," and something went down in that tent.
Figgins: Unfortunately Olympia Dukakis couldn't be here because of disinterest.
Brittany: Ke$ha has been a musical icon for weeks and I really want to do her music justice.
Sue: There is simply one person to blame: the alcoholic teen vomit fetishist, Will Schuester.
Blaine: Huh. Yep. I'm gay. 100 percent gay. Thanks for clearing that up, Rachel.
Final Thoughts
Figgins needs to stop ending every preachy statement with "Will!" Seriously. We're counting next time.
We were terrified Rachel was actually singing to her scrunchie.
Santana bursting into tears was probably the best moment of the episode, if only because it was followed up by "KISS ME! KISS ME!"
No teenagers like Bloody Marys. It's a law of nature.
Carole King is a great role model, but was that dress entirely necessary? Rachel looked like she wandered off one of those polygamy communes.
Rachel's party actually did make us nostalgic for high school, a feat nothing else has been able to do. Then we saw Beiste in a cowboy hat and thanked our lucky stars we're actually adults.
Hellcats: One wedding, one almost wedding and a jailhouse visit
"If this bandage dress doesn't do it, nothing will."
It’s wedding season and relationships are put to the ultimate test this week on Hellcats. Derrick steps up the wedding plans, Alice considers visiting Jake in the big house and Dan Patch returns…for a weekend.
When Uncle Sam calls…
Derrick’s army reserve unit is shipping out and he announces that he's going to be gone for at least a year. He ships out in three days and wants to get hitched before he leaves. After all, if he has to go he wants to know that he’s married to the woman he loves.
When Vanessa sees Red she confides in him that she's nervous about getting married, but also tells him that she’s not about to throw away her solid relationship on a whim—and HE is a whim. He asks her if she’d want to marry Derrick if he felt something about another woman and Vanessa doesn’t have much of an answer for that.
But the next day when she and Derek are filling out the marriage certificate, Vanessa can’t manage to sign on the dotted line. She tells her betrothed that she thought she’d have more time to be sure about them. He asks her if it’s about Red Raymond and her silence says it all. And Derrick is such a good guy that he tells her that he just wanted to make her happy and that if he can’t do that then he hopes that Red can. Way to send a guy off to the front lines, Vanessa!
Meanwhile, at the gray bar motel
Damien visits Jake at the big house and relays a message from him. He wonders why Alice hasn’t come to see him yet (hey—we didn’t see that one coming!).
Later when Travis thanks Alice for talking Jake into confessing he buys her a piece of pie, which he probably gets for free now that he's waiting tables at Wanda's bar and grill. Alice asks Travis if he thinks that Jake deserves visitors after all he did and he tells her that it’s a rough place and everyone deserves to see a friendly face. Then we’re all pretty darn stupefied when Alice does show up to visit Jake. She confesses that she feels guilty and responsible for putting him behind bars but he tells her to relax, he’s where he is because he broke the law. And he does sleep better now. Yeah, he doesn’t have all that pesky studying to do!
Wedding bell hell
The weekend of Jimmy Patch’s wedding has arrived and brother Dan will be in town for it. Apparently, the elder Mr. Patch has requested that Marti sing at the wedding and after some arm-twisting she agrees. Marti is torn and doesn't know exactly what she feels for Dan but Savannah still loves the guy. Savannah wants both of them to go to the wedding to see what happens and they'll know for once and for all what is meant to be. Marti insists that it’s not a competition but Savannah is in it to win it.
At the reception Dan is looking dapper in his tux. After Marti’s first set he decides that they need to talk and that he owes her an apology. She starts to tell him that she misses him and Vanessa walks up. Then he introduces the girls to his new girlfriend, Vicky. She saves shorebirds at the Gulf (276 of them to be exact) and seems very plain and horribly dull. When Savannah pays a random dude $50 to get the girlfriend talking about shorebirds it backfires on her. But Dan sees just how much Savannah cares. Later, Dan’s dad tells him that he and Marti are like two train wrecks. They're exciting (uh...and painful) but they’re dangerous. He needs someone more like his mother—someone who he can count on…someone like Savannah.
Time for some “truthiness”
At the end of the evening Marti and Dan do have that heart-to-heart and they end up agreeing that they are really better off just as friends—it’s what they do best. She tells him that he needs to get his act together and get back with Savannah. But Dan wonders if she can forgive him for all he did. Hmmm…what would Jesus do? Of course she can! He immediately breaks up with Vicky and dances with Savannah while Marti croons a ridiculously sexual version of "Wild Horses."
"I am about to go 'Office Space' on this thing..."
There are a lot of things we don't miss about high school -- one of them being held hostage by our hormones and therefore incapable of dealing with stress in a functional way. Last night's 90210 reminded us very firmly of that. Drugs, sex and violence are never the answer, but they sure can be a hell of a lot of fun.
I want you to want me
Naomi is up a creek with her crush on Max -- she likes a nerd and there's nothing she can do about it. To make matters worse, he turns out to be a very supportive friend by encouraging her not to give up on her dream college and by saving her charity photo shoot after "Mr. July" spills tanning oil all over her computer, frying the saved shots. And since Naomi is the kind of gal that takes what she wants, when she wants it, she jumps Max in the photo studio. Hilariously, she gets humble pie all over her face when Max turns her down.
Meanwhile, Emily is systematically dismantling Annie's life in all sorts of horrible ways that we'll get into later, and tries to perform the coup de grâce by seducing Liam. Her hastiness to bring down Annie alone should be ringing some alarm bells, but then, Liam's not really here to think.
Read on for weed cookies!
More things about pot, pots and kettles
Ivy is generally bummed out about surfing and Dixon, so she takes to self-medicating with pot and cartoons. Why this is a shock to Laurel we'll never know, who obviously has had some high times herself and has raised her daughter in a free-wheeling lifestyle. However, we are glad the show owned up to that fact with Ivy using Laurel's paraphernalia.
Laurel tells her daughter to stop illegally self-medicating, so Ivy visits a doctor to start legally medicating, and hops on down to her local pharmacy/head shop. After getting tricked out of buying some delicious pot cookies, she befriends her trickster and UCLA student Raj, who then takes her to relive that iconic "Wayne's World" airplane scene but without the awesome jokes or Mirthmobile.
Who doesn't love double entendre nightclubs?
The guys are perfectly willing to accept Teddy as their gay pal, but having him around while they ogle volleyball jockettes is another story. After Silver finds Teddy wandering the halls like a kicked puppy, she goes and gives the bros a talking-to. The guys make amends by taking Teddy to a gay club, convincing us that the boys on this show are better friends to each other than the girls will ever be. Plus, we got to see Roxbury twins Navid and Dixon breaking it down at Mandate. Classic.
Speaking of a need for self-medication...
...Emily seriously needs to take a Valium or something, because going from golden haired angel to life-destroying succubus this fast is cause for medical psychological concern. Let's recap... no, wait, we're doing that already. Let's recap recap: So far Emily has convinced Annie's (extremely gullible!) friends that Annie thinks they're shallow and she's picking on Emily, has convinced Liam that Annie emotionally abuses her at home, has convinced the cast at Annie's theater that Annie has some sort of grudge against her, and has gotten Annie fired from her internship, driving Annie to tear at Emily in the lunchroom like a hyena at a dead wildebeest, further resulting in a three-day suspension. This all gets followed up by the aforementioned Liam seduction bid, in which Emily breaks into his place and slips on one of his shirts...and nothing else. We're not dudes, but we're going to assume that's more terrifying than sexy.
Also, Annie, you're stupid. You wait to attack Emily until she gets home where there are fewer witnesses! Der.
This is why we hate reality television
Because they star people like Adrianna. Ade's pilot gets turned down when Navid refuses to sign a release form, as the producers think that Ade isn't dramatic enough. Since she apparently has nothing better to do, she decides to re-commit herself to finding Navid's slice-on-the-side, which drives Silver to talk to Navid. She convinces him to sign the release form, getting Ade her show back, but the sequins really hit the fan when Ade sees Silver wearing the "other woman's" earring in the pilot footage. Judging by her effortless dispatch of Annie in the first season, we'd ordinarily be scared for Silver, but we think Ade has lost more than your average amount of brain cells since then. Maybe she used to store them in her bangs.
All in all, it was a pretty dramatic episode, Ade's producers be damned! What did you all think? Will Annie be able to bring down Emily and restore her good name? Will Naomi get to have hot Na'vi (yes, we've all seen the promotional photos) sex with Max? Will Dixon and Navid make it out of Mandate alive after busting out those...um...killer... dance moves? To the comments!
Notes n' Quotes
Max: Everything's as right as a 90 degree angle.
(Quick point: Naomi dreamed this, so she actually made it up...)
Naomi: Thank god for hemorrhoid cream.
Guidance counselor: ...excuse me?
Navid: Ade's like a baby. We just need to give her something new and shiny to obsess over.
Laurel: When did this start?
Ivy: Please, I've always liked cartoons.
Laurel: I mean the pot.
Naomi: Ivy, it's not a guy, jeez. It's Latin.
Ivy: Honestly, I didn't know there was such a thing as pot barbecue sauce...
Naomi: Annie's gone feral!
Ivy: Look at that, the cookie thief is a stalker.
Raj: I prefer cookie out-witter.
Ivy: Isn't it crazy that the subway is...like...underground?
(Way to bust out of that pot-head stereotype, Ivy)
Silver: Just....flex something.
Navid: What's a "bear" again?
Bar guy: Would you like a drink?
Liam: I'm out of here.
Bar guy: Guess not.
Navid: Recovering alcoholic.
Naomi: I can't join the chess club! A: It's too nerdy and B: I don't know how to play chess.
Model: Hey Naomi, what were you saying about me being hot?
Naomi: Umm....hold that thought.
Model: What thought?
Max: I'm sorry Naomi, you're just not my type.
Naomi: But...I'm everyone's type...
Final Thoughts
Hey, Annie's friends: Remember last year when none of you believed Annie and you all turned out to be wrong? Yeah, we thought not.
Ade, a reality series is not a career. It's an excuse for one.
It's been a few years since we've applied for college, but we're fairly certain midway through your senior year is a bit late to affect the application process.
Any kind of weed pastry does not work that fast...so we've heard.
Why don't the underage high school boys have to wait in line at Mandate and everyone else does?
Annie's face and thumbs-up in Ade's opening credits are amazing.
"Wait, you're through as a dealer? WHERE AM I GOING TO GET MY OXYCODONE??"
Everyone loves a good scheme on Gossip Girl, and this week’s episode delivered the goods. Rufus even woke up from his tanning bed haze and played a double agent feigning disgust at Thorpe for breaking up his marriage. Blair threatened to morph into the speed-addled Jesse from “Saved by the Bell” due to an outrageous lack of sleep brought on by juggling work, school and her overall goal of conquering the world before the age of 20. Lily took a break from planning Eric’s kiddie-themed birthday party to hook Thorpe around her pinky finger so Chuck could break into his office and find out the identity of his financial partner. Eric kept Damien’s mouth shut by shuttling drugs and cash to very impatient addicts while Serena lamented her lack of physical fulfillment with Ben. Here are some other thoughts:
Biggest fake-out: Lily slapping Chuck after he accused her of cheating on Rufus. Fortunately, we found out later it was all a ruse. That line hit below the belt even for Chuck.
Most trustworthy: Chuck forces Nate to spend the day with Raina so he can put in a good word for Mr. Bass. Is Chuck blind to Nate’s charms? He surely wouldn’t woo Raina on purpose, but spend a day with those pooling eyes and ruffled hair and you’d be smitten too.
Most whiny: Raina needs to stop pulling out the “poor me” card. Yes, your mother left you at a young age leaving you to grow up in a hotel and playing second fiddle to your father’s burgeoning wealth. Boo-hoo.
Most unbelievable wardrobe choice: Nate spills cider on Raina’s outfit and she spends the rest of the night in a robe. Why not just ask Nate to borrow a shirt and a pair of shorts? Playing Wii in a bathrobe doesn’t even seem feasible without a serious wardrobe malfunction.
Biggest fashion faux pas: Blair wears two different shoes to Eric’s birthday party. Poor Blair is so exhausted she can’t even dress herself, let alone pass a test, devise a scheme to take down Damien, purchase the perfect present for Eric and do her job successfully.
Read on to find out who just showed up out of the blue:
Biggest surprise: Vanessa returns!
Most stagnant: Vanessa. She comes under the guise of apologizing for taking part in destroying Serena and letting Jenny take the fall, but when Dan refuses to make amends she reverts to her old ways. She’s so incensed by her outsider status that she’s going to use a conversation she overheard between Damien and Ben to blackmail Serena, Dan and/or Ben. Does this not seem like a misguided attempt to win her way back into the Humphrey clan?
Biggest upset: Blair ends up losing her job at "W." We didn’t think the appointment was plausible in the first place, but we don’t take pleasure in Blair failing at anything.
Kindest: Just when Dan reaches the threshold of annoying, he does something so sweet it’s impossible to hate him. Helping Blair by writing her blog didn’t save her job, but the gesture spoke volumes.
Most badass: Ben threatens to hire some ex-cons to kill -- literally kill -- Damien if he tries to get Lily in trouble. He admits he ordered the hit on The Captain just to prove his mettle.
Also, Chuck gets a leg up in the effort to keep Bass Industries intact while Blair and Dan snuggle up together for an impromptu movie night. Ben starts to forgive Lily so he can score with Serena and Damien drops in on Thorpe to settle his grievances. What did you think?
Lindsey and I were bracing ourselves for this Glee podcast, because Janine has been claiming Sam had Bieber hair since we first met him, and we've been denying it. Janine, you were right. He totally has Bieber hair. We're not convinced he's got Bieber lips, though.
Actually, those Bieber interludes were surprisingly enjoyable, as was Lauren Zizes totally rocking The Waitresses' "I Know What Boys Like." And the diva-off? Fabulous. The rest of the episode? Yeah, we had some issues. Why is Sue giving us emotional whiplash? Were adorable, cancer-stricken moppets really necessary? Will we get more GeekSam if he's with Santana? And why does red plaid and trapper hats symbolize anthems? Are lumberjacks really that anthemic?
Note: For some reason, we're STILL having trouble with our audio files on browsers other than Internet Explorer. You get the regular media player in IE, but Firefox and Safari both ask you to download a file. We're working with our podcast host to figure out the problem. In the meantime, you can get the podcast via iTunes, or listen using IE. Sorry!
Oh, the angst that this episode of Gossip Girl generated among us. Chuck and Raina were spending far too much time together, Dan and Blair got way too cozy, Eric got even dumber, and Serena and Ben ... well, ok, they pretty much act like they always do. But they still annoyed us.
Lindsey, Janine and I discuss Chicago family values, the creep factor in that Venice room Chuck set up, Whether or not Lily deserved to be thrown under the bus, and just who Matthew Settle pissed off in the writers room. Because seriously, Rufus has been utterly useless lately. What gives?
Note: For some reason, we're STILL having trouble with our audio files on browsers other than Internet Explorer. You get the regular media player in IE, but Firefox and Safari both ask you to download a file. We're working with our podcast host to figure out the problem. In the meantime, you can get the podcast via iTunes, or listen using IE. Sorry!
So here's the thing about this One Tree Hill podcast: I complain that there's nothing to talk about, and then Darcel and I proceed to talk about said nothing for almost 20 minutes. Either this episode was better than I thought, or we really talk too much.
We take on the Valentine's Day hijinks of all our favorites, contemplate what the massive number of role-plays portends about Brooke and Julian's marriage, sing the praises of Ho Hos (and this Hostess product wedding cake!), squee over Jamie's V-Day gift acumen, and wonder when Chase is going to call child services for Chuck. Plus, Darcel has a new scheme to get Dan back -- would you expect anything less?
"Look, I would tell you if I borrowed your Michael Jackson jacket. I bought this one for myself!
OK, not every episode will be golden, I get that...but this week was more about details and transitions than I would have cared to sit through (and that's including the fact that Chloe was tempted by at least three of the deadly sins). But there were two momentous events in this episode of note...one included Blur boy and the other the Green gallant one...
Lois & Clark: Lois is proving she can be the perfect superhero partner, by planning a wedding, working on deadlines, AND keeping tabs on Clark even when he's hanging out on Big Ben. (Gosh, can I have this woman's tenacity? I'd get soooo much more stuff done.) That said, she's staying on top of Clark about a much-needed wardrobe change and journalism topics that keep him away from hero-worship.
After donning a hoodie and sunglasses (great idea Lois! Can you make him in Green Arrow's image any more?) Clark complains he doesn't want to hide behind a mask. But after a misstep at a crime scene with an overzealous forensic photographer (the guy almost falls down a hole while ogling the brilliance that is Clark), Kent realizes it's time to don the glasses. The really weird part is the office assistant who was man-crushing on Kent earlier in the episode, turns more aggressive toward Clark after he sports the lenses. AND he gets snarky after Clark bumps into him. Now this is an office assistant people...barely out of internship, who helps the reporters, but now the glasses makes Clark a pushover. As a card-carrying member of the glasses class since a young tyke, I protest. And seriously, how naive and dumb can you be? His megawatt hotness is not tuned down by specs. Anywho, I can write a dissertation on this topic, so let's move on...Clark does get to show that he's a better man this time around, when the darkness hits him. And we can thank Lois, Chloe, and the Watchtower posse for that.
Chloe & Ollie: So after picking up their relationship after gosh knows how long, the couple who is as far off the radar as one can get decides to have a "Date Night" that parallels the one Tina Fey and Steve Carrell had. Fortunately, this couple can fight back. Unfortunately, they fight back against the FBI, whose undercover operatives are being killed off by internal hemorrhaging thanks to Desaad (the owner of the local sex club).
In all their fighting (and self-pitying: Oliver for having to hide who he is, and Chloe not having any identity at all after redefining herself every week as helper to all, master of none), Chloe gets kidnapped by Desaad and tempted to turn toward the Darkness. But our gal Friday knows who she is and can't be swayed. That means, of course, she must die. But Clark saves her at the last minute, unbeknownst to Oliver, who encounters Desaad running away from the sex club. Desaad tells Oliver he's killed Chloe and in a blind rage, Ollie works Desaad over until Clark tells him otherwise. Desaad may not have turned those whose names start with C, but he has turned Oliver (as we witness the omega emblem on his skull). And it all happened over the love of a good woman. Whodathunkit?
Anyway, we'll have to see how one can scrub off the dark mark without being killed. Because correct me if I'm wrong, all those who don the mark have all died in some shape, form or fashion.
"Dean?" "Quiet Sam -- I'm totally going to win this staring contest."
Perhaps we've been spoiled by Plastic!Winchester Theater, or maybe we kept flashing back to the hauntingly similar scary scenario on Doctor Who , but this episode of Supernatural didn't quite do it for us. Come on, show, killer mannequins! How could you go wrong?
Sam in hell
We ended last week with Sam remembering a bit of his time in hell, which causes seizures and freaks Dean out. Sam was only out for a couple of minutes, but it felt like weeks to him. Dean is more convinced than ever that Sam has to repress the past to stay alive, and he won't let Sam argue the point. Sam? We're kind of with Dean, here.
Man-killing mannequin
Let's face it, anatomical models are inherently creepy, even if there isn't a ghost or an alien signal involved. So when we saw that mannequin's creepy eyes move to follow its victim… brr! Add in plastic stalkers at the mannequin plant, and we were expecting some primo scares.
Read on for Ben's deception, the most nervous interview ever, and the violation of the Metallicar, after the jump!
Well, not so much. Yeah, the magically appearing head wound on the victims was spooky, and the thought that these plastic people were moving behind everyone's backs was scary, but the mystery just wasn't there. Rose used to work at the mannequin factory, then she disappeared. The first victim used to work there, too. How difficult was it to figure out that Rose was a vengeful ghost?
Granted, it helped that Johnny was " the most suspicious interview of all time," and that he folded like a cheap suit as soon as Sam (and a killer mannequin) confronted him. But really, it's just that old, familiar tale: Guys mock girl, guys lure girl to an apartment thinking she's meeting a secret admirer, guys accidentally kill girl, guys dump girl's body in an unmarked grave, girl's ghost comes back to kill guys who killed her by possessing inanimate objects.
Meanwhile…
But while this is going on, Dean gets (and finally answers) a call form Ben, who needs his help. Something's wrong with mom! I need you here right away! Dean scampers back to Lisa, and discovers that what's "wrong" is that she's dating a guy Ben doesn't like, and Ben would much prefer Dean to come back. Come on, Ben, did no one ever tell you about the Boy Who Cried Ghoul?
Dean and Lisa have a heart-to-heart, which involves both of their hearts being shredded again. Yes, Lisa still loves him, but she can't take waiting for the call that says he died in some horrible fashion. Yes, Dean still loves Lisa, but he can't stand putting her in danger, leaving her in the lurch, and basically screwing up her life. And yes, Ben blames himself for the split, and there's very little Dean can do about it -- well, except for listen to Ben yell at him for walking out on his family. Ouch.
The twist
Sam torches Rose's body, so all is well, right? Again, not so much -- it seems Johnny has a love mannequin at home, and Rose manages to possess it and kill him. To which we can only say: Dude. The guy had a love mannequin. We pretty much knew he had to die as soon as we saw her. Also, ew.
Sam goes back to Rose's sister and asks what sort of item or keepsake she still has from the dead girl. Nothing really… except for the kidney she donated. Doh! Sam and Dean meet up to try to figure out how to handle this, and Rose takes the opportunity to possess the Metallicar and send it after Dean. WE KNOW. THE METALLICAR. UNACCEPTABLE! Dean is similarly outraged ("You leave my baby alone, she's got nothing to do with this!"), and heartbroken when he has to trick Rosetallicar into smashing into a building. Somehow, glass from the broken window skewers Rose's sister, so she dies, which takes Rose with her. Yay?
Highlights, thoughts and odds and ends
Sam and Dean argue about stirring up Sam's past: Sam: Dean, I might have done who knows what, and you want me to just forget about it? Dean: You shove it down and you let it come out in spurts of violence and alcoholism. Sam: That sounds healthy Dean: It works for me…
The guys discuss the case: Dean: Patterson, New Jersey. Hey, maybe we'll have a Snooki sighting! Sam: What's a Snooki? Dean: That is a good question.
Is it wrong that we'd actually consider a year in hell if we could have all knowledge of Snooki erased for our memories?
Dean has fun fiddling the the anatomical model, removing organs and holding up the plastic heart to beg Sam to be his Valentine. Heh! But what's even better is what came up later: Sam: Wait -- that anatomy dummy you were molesting at the lab… Dean: Excuse me? Sam: What if that's what this is about? Dean: What exactly are you accusing me of?
Considering they have an angel/trickster whose afterlife is in porn, it's a valid question.
We loved Dean's "Plants vs Zombies" reference when he went up to talk to Ben: "Well, that's ridiculous -- plants could never kill a zombie!" Indeed, it's the other way around. We do, however, wonder what he'd have to say about the realism of angry birds taking out pigs.
Best line: "So, that the girl with the haunted kidney?"
What did you think? Were you as underwhelmed as we were, or are we being too critical? Talk about it in the comments!
"Oh my god, your skin is soft! What's the name of that dermatologist you use?"
Who is Alex, really? A former Russian sex slave? An orphaned girl whose family was murdered by mobsters? The heiress to a billion dollar empire? All of the above. We learned a lot about our favorite newbie Division agent this week on Nikita. Unfortunately, her colorful past caught up with her big time while she was out on her latest assignment. Luckily enough, she had not one but three saviors to swoop in and help deliver her to safety.
Catching up with old friends
Alex’s latest mission involved a tech billionaire, on-line dating, and a swinging nightclub. Sounds fun, right? Not so fast. Besides charming the rich brainiac, she needed to steal his most recent cell phone prototype so that Percy could sell it to the highest bidder. Almost immediately, Alex ran into some major problems, or more specifically, some major Russian problems in the form of a drugged-out Russian girl named Irina and an evil mobster named Vlad. Irina, as it turns out, was brought over with Alex and sold into slavery, but unlike Alex, she never made it out. After they accidentally bump into each other at the nightclub, Irina wastes no time double crossing her old friend. She calls Vlad and before you know it, Alex is trapped in a small dog cage with a camera pointing at her face and a syringe full of heroin in her veins. Vlad, as we learn, is not too happy with Miss A since she escaped the clutches of his sex slave ring over six years ago. He also has done some homework and found out about her lucrative birthright, to which he hopes she confesses on camera. Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t know the whole assassin story and quickly finds out that she’s no longer a girl that you should mess with.
Joining forces
Alex’s disappearance doesn’t go unnoticed. When both Nikita and Michael realize that she has been nabbed by the evil Vlad, they spring into action. They go about solving the problem separately, and before you can say “KGB”, they run smack into each other and collectively kick some Russian butts. Hey, wait a minute. Aren’t Nikita and Michael supposed to be fighting against each other? Well, not this time -- they have a common cause. They both want to save Alex. Of course, Nikita doesn’t tell Michael this. Instead, she acts like she’s trying to retrieve the phone prototype which she says Alex still has in her possession (Nikita really has it already). Luckily, Michael is not the sharpest tool in the shed, and he believes her motivation. After they join forces, they come up with a plan to break in to Vlad’s secret hideout and rescue Alex from captivity. Basically, this plan involves going in together with guns a-blazing. Not too creative, but who cares, it works. The person who really ends up saving Alex, though, is Irina. Somehow, she comes to her senses and unlocks the cage when Vlad leaves the room. This change of heart doesn’t sit well with Mr. Vlad, and he is furious upon his return. Too bad for him, because now Alex is free...and armed. She points the gun at him and before she pulls the trigger, she says a few parting words, “There is one thing I want you to know. I am Alexandra Whodinuf (it’s Russian, but that’s how it sounds), daughter of Nicoli Whodinuf, and this is your reward.”
Hanging with Amanda
With Vlad out of the picture, Alex tells Irina to hit the road and don’t look back. She also warns her to keep her mouth shut about her true legacy. Nikita then comes in after Irina takes off and sees that Alex is alive and kicking. She slips the cell phone in her pocket and tells her to hand it to Percy when she gets back to Division. Michael also shows up and sternly tells Miss N to hit it because the “D” boys are around the corner. He then grabs the strung-out Alex and safely returns her to Amanda’s couch and everything is hunky-dorey, right? Nope. Apparently, Amanda has a few questions for Alex about her past. Uh oh, this can’t be good. They don’t call her the Inquisitor for nothing.
The Vampire Diaries: Elijah's demise + a history lesson
"She...uh....fell down the stairs..."
This week on The Vampire Diaries, we had a whole lotta deceit goin' on. Yes, yes, there's always that, but this week had even more.
Not to mention the silliness of introducing more background that seems very unlikely. So Mystic Falls was actually settled by a bunch of witches who left Salem. Uh huh, ok. We suppose that's how the witchy Bennet family managed to have branches in both Massachusetts and North Carolina. Why didn't we think of that? That makes sense for the Mystic part, now show us some Falls part. There is a county in NC called Transylvania County that has many falls...so now we wonder if that's where they're going to tell us that's where Mystic Falls is. But enough geography.
So the theme of this episode seemed to be, "Kill Elijah." We're not so sure that that was a good idea. They had an original vamp who was going to protect them until it was time to sacrifice Elena - shouldn't they have waited to it was closer to the time?
Katherine's deceit began, oh, who are we kidding. Everything about her is deceitful. But for this ep, she manipulated Damon into believing that if he killed Elijah, she would be stuck in the tomb forever. Can't believe a thing that comes out of her mouth. Particularly since we know she has some sort of secret agenda with John. We remain suspicious and wish that Damon hadn't been so nice as to bring her some clothes. That tells us that he's still got a soft spot for her.
Damon's deceit started when he planned to kill Elijah during a dinner party. Uncle John's deceit began when he gave the dagger plus the oak ash to Damon, knowing that if Damon wielded it, it would kill both Damon and his victim. Seems a trifle unfair to us since the Original being killed is only dead as long as the dagger is still lodged in the body, but Damon would have met his final, irrevocable demise.
So Alaric took the opportunity to stab Elijah in the back with the dagger at the dinner party. Which we're pretty sure he'd been fantasizing about since he noticed the suave, charming Elijah subtly flirting with Jenna. We love how Elijah was in no way hitting on Jenna, but he took the opportunity to make Alaric jealous and then tease him about it. Anyhoodle. A vampire on his guard should know better than to have his back vulnerable! Oh well, lesson learned. Sort of.
Alaric's deceit is being vague about Isobel to Jenna. Oh Jenna, let it go.
Bonnie's deceit was in kidnapping Luka for answers that could wind up backlashing onto Luka's family, erasing his memory of it, and then lying about it to his face. We weren't surprised when Luka's dad was pissed and took away her powers. We think he was over-reacting a bit in the heat of the moment, but as someone awesome once said, you've got to pay to play, and she shouldn't be too surprised by this consequence.
Elena's deceit was in tricking Elijah - by stabbing herself in the gut - to get close enough to him so she could stab him with the magical dagger herself. Ruh-roh. This time they kept the dagger lodged in the body.
Which brings us to the interesting premise of how are they going to kill Klaus if the only weapon they have is the dagger they can't remove from Elijah for fear of waking him up? Because we wouldn't want an enemy of Elijah, which is what they are now. Such a shame, since we really really liked the perfectly mannered Elijah.
One more thing before we part this week - YAY for some scenes with Lexi! We <3 her, and are glad we get to see her in flashbacks.
Look, it's Alex in the dream state, see all the negative space? Okay fine, The CW didn't update their press page.
